Gaslighting
When and how to fight back when someone is gaslighting you.
I’ve been gaslit by experts - narcissists with a PhD in gaslighting. I know what it looks like, how it sounds, how it feels. Because my experience was hard-earned, I know what to look for and how to respond, usually by silence and walking away.
During the last year I’ve experienced literal gaslighting - and that calls for activism.
It all started when I had to buy a new stove quickly, because the stove that came with my new house smelled of gas when the oven was on, and when you opened the oven flames were swirling around. Not a subtle problem. Since it turned out the unit was 27 years old, better to purchase a new stove.
Within days I was having problems with the new unit. Smelling of gas, uneven cooking, not really cooking at all. I was first told that I was the problem, that I should cook with the kitchen door open. In January. The unit was adjusted, gas smell disappeared, but still cooking unevenly or not at all. And, more concerning, I started getting a severe headache within 10 minutes of turning the oven on. More calls to the store where I purchased the unit. Emails - no response. More emails - no response. Finally threats to start writing letters, at which point I got a response. And then I started getting random calls about service from a company I didn’t recognize. The company had elevated the issue to the manufacturer and didn’t tell me, I thought the calls were spam, until I followed up with everyone. It was clear every step of the way that I must be the problem. I was hallucinating. Unreasonable. Probably not having headaches. Maybe even just throwing a fit because gas stoves are the latest culture war topic. But really, gaslit because I’m a middle-aged woman, therefore invisible, hysterical, and ignorant. What do I know about cooking??? I mean, I’ve only been cooking 3 meals a day for over 50 years, primarily on gas stoves, without headaches or doors open.
I’ve been fighting for a year. Instead of using the oven, I grilled in the summer. Thanksgiving was a precooked turkey that I reheated in small portions in a toaster oven so as not to asphyxiate my family. Christmas roast was cut into bite-size pieces and sautéed. No cookies. No roast chicken. Because I knew I wasn’t imagining the headaches. I knew there was a problem.
The latest repair person, sent by the manufacturer, just left. When the oven is turned on, it is leaking carbon monoxide - that odorless invisible toxic gas that kills quickly. Leaking because the stove was converted from LPN to natural gas incorrectly, which I didn’t know, and no one explained - just sell the merch and ka-ching another sale and commission. (issue being resolved, amazing what a little carbon monoxide will do)
It is exhausting fighting back from being screwed over. How often does your email password suddenly not work and you’re informed that you changed it? You know full well you haven’t changed your password, likely it was hacked, or the system changed it, or something, but it wasn’t you. But you are being gaslit, being told you somehow did something wrong.
How about following up on car insurance or phone bill because your bill has been steadily seeming a bit higher and when you finally comb through the 10 page bill you notice you’re suddenly being charged $0.99 a month for some service? I’ve called and been told ‘we add that for your convenience, you can always request to have it removed’. Or my personal favorite, one of the biggest banks in the world sends a note to customers saying they won’t count coins anymore, as part of providing better service. Let’s not forget healthcare. Medical providers asking for payment first, last, and at every chance in between. The medical providers in my area have gobbled up private practices and turned into a real estate juggernaut that sold themselves to a venture capital firm. Don’t tell me the focus is on the patient as anything but a revenue stream, but if you suggest such heresy, it’s offensive. Gaslighting.
It’s the drip-drip of the consumer is the problem, you must be making mistakes, you must be imagining, but if you really want to call, just follow this 84 step phone tree and if you ask to talk to a live human who knows what they are doing, we’ll just disconnect you, because you are an inconvenience. Gaslighting.
Activism in our day-to-day life, just to keep the little stuff going, is time-consuming. Existing takes all of our time and energy so that we can’t fight the big stuff, the type of activism that results in long-term improvements. The energy sector went up 67% in profits in 2022. Gas and oil companies made record profits, while higher prices at the pump were blamed on inflation, and more specifically who was in the White House, yet another political football. Grocery prices are going up rapidly. Airfares are significantly higher than I’ve ever seen them. And we’re told that if wages go up, that’s the reason for prices to go up, not that shareholders are reaping the benefit of increased profitability, justified by paying a decent wage in a job market where there are more jobs than applicants, basic supply and demand equation. Wages increase, but prices increase faster, keeping everyone running just to stay a little behind with not enough time to fight back. The average American got hit by 2000 and 2008 recessions, and hasn’t yet recovered. But the upper income bracket has gone steadily up. Inflation and the market aren’t the problem, wealth inequality and inequitable tax laws are the problem.
I think the whole point is to keep us occupied with the daily inequities so we can’t tackle the big problems.
So what do you do when you experience gaslighting in your day-to-day life? And when do you need become an activist?
5 steps for fighting gaslighting.
Is the issue legitimate? Is the issue affecting just you, or is it affecting more people? Can you work with more people to address the problem?
If you are being gaslit, told it’s all in your head, where does final responsibility lie for resolving the problem? Who is really in charge of solving the problem?
Once you know the issue is legitimate and who is responsible, decide what you want to achieve. Reduction in fees? Better service? Repair? Replace? Do a gut check, are you being fair and reasonable in your ask or are you trying to screw over the company? Two wrongs don’t make right, and fighting inequity with more inequity just makes the problem worse.
Polite persistence. Don’t be rude. Don’t be abusive. Just state the facts in email, on calls, and in letters. Focus on the problem, and the ideal solution and then don’t let it go. Follow-up. Follow-up again. Email chains are your friend, document your contact. Be polite, the customer service people aren’t the problem, it’s the CEO and the system that’s the problem
If polite persistence doesn’t solve the problem, start writing letters. CEO. Board of Directors. State and federal agencies. Congressional representatives. 99% of people do’t complain, or give up because the system is built to break you down.
Effective activists have to be tenacious, focused, and in for the long haul. Even gaslighters will eventually give way, and hard slog by hard slog we do make the world a better place.